The Saving One Already Knows Me.

I'm telling myself 2012 is going to be the year I get married. I actually wrote that down as a resolution. I'm sure I made God laugh when He saw it.  One thing I have realized lately is that the more I know what it is I want in a man. I ask myself, do I have those very same qualities that I'm asking for. The man that I'm asking God for is exactly who God is.  I want to fight for him, be the strength he needs when life knocks him around. But yet it's so easy to feel so insignificant. I find it so easy to think so less of myself than to see who Jesus sees me as, His.

He gave me a guardian heart for a reason but yet I hide the little girl inside me and keep her from the rest of the world. Why don't I want others to come close? If I won't even let Jesus come close, I know He's not going to send someone. Though I wish He would at times. I guess no one really can love me the way my Dad loves me. The kind of love I want in a guy is only the kind that Jesus knows how to provide.

I wish I knew how to accept love and guard it. I hate those moments when just the sight of couple gives you a sinking feeling in your gut. I cried the other day at just a sight like that. I wasn't expecting it to happen and it hurt. The most comforting thing in that moment was that I told God about it. I can't wait to be madly in love with the guy that will say Kay I am yours and I'm going to say that is so cool.

Clinging to the One Who Loves You The Most

Welcome to the new year, 2012. I have lived to enter double digits in the 2000s. That itself is a blessing. Many of you may have planned New Years, I did.I was surprised how long my list for this year was. It felt good to think of things that I would like to have done differently than I had last year. Recently the church I attended sent out a monthly newsletter. In it, the speaking pastor talked about pursuing righteousness. On my resolutions I wrote that I wanted to grow more in Christ but I never thought about pursuing it.  For me, lately I've been afraid to pursue anything.

That includes pursuing Christ. For me being the one that always pursued the guys only to get hurt. That idea sends me running in the opposite direction. It scares me to pursue Christ wholeheartedly, I mean the most intimate details about me. To give him that level of control of my heart is a frightening thing. I woke up this morning to James 1:22-25:
 

²² But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. ²³ For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. ²⁴ For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. ²⁵ But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing. 

This has been a great struggle for me to do this because I have not allowed God to get close to my heart. It's foolish to even think this but yeah, I can't get myself to do this. It only leaves me frustrated and stuck in this rut that I really want to get out of. It's so surprising and weird at the same time to see what sin inside you looks like. It's like seeing The Spirit in you and seeing your flesh and I look away. I forgot to look at the Spirit in me who's working to show what I am in Christ. How beautiful that is to be known as His. It's going to take me some time to accept and believe this. It's not an easy thing when you feel like an orphan in this world. The unbelief that I am alone is truly a lie. I no longer want to be in the shadows of my fears. The greatest blessing I always must remember is that Christ died in my place. What it means to be a true Christian? it's bigger than anything I can wrap my mind around.