The Saving One Already Knows Me.

I'm telling myself 2012 is going to be the year I get married. I actually wrote that down as a resolution. I'm sure I made God laugh when He saw it.  One thing I have realized lately is that the more I know what it is I want in a man. I ask myself, do I have those very same qualities that I'm asking for. The man that I'm asking God for is exactly who God is.  I want to fight for him, be the strength he needs when life knocks him around. But yet it's so easy to feel so insignificant. I find it so easy to think so less of myself than to see who Jesus sees me as, His.

He gave me a guardian heart for a reason but yet I hide the little girl inside me and keep her from the rest of the world. Why don't I want others to come close? If I won't even let Jesus come close, I know He's not going to send someone. Though I wish He would at times. I guess no one really can love me the way my Dad loves me. The kind of love I want in a guy is only the kind that Jesus knows how to provide.

I wish I knew how to accept love and guard it. I hate those moments when just the sight of couple gives you a sinking feeling in your gut. I cried the other day at just a sight like that. I wasn't expecting it to happen and it hurt. The most comforting thing in that moment was that I told God about it. I can't wait to be madly in love with the guy that will say Kay I am yours and I'm going to say that is so cool.

Crushing on the Unrepentant - Repentance Pt. 2

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It is a very scary thing to trust and believe 100% in the work of Christ Jesus because I have no absolute control over the outcome of the matter. I groan, whimper and find myself restlessly waiting for God to bring me that godly man. Soon it hits me that I should be acting this very same way in regards to Jesus, as I am eagerly waiting and groaning anticipating His return. It sucks waiting for what seems like a really long time but I don't think there are enough words to describe what they day will be like. Both when I get to say my "I do's" and when the King makes His entrance.

Knowing that this desire is such a difficult struggle for me, meditating on this, how am I going to endure until that day comes? I quickly realize that I can't win this battle on my own willpower and how desperately I need the Lord's help. Suddenly I am tremendously thankful and I remember, that I have a Helper, a Comforter, I'm not in this by myself. Jesus is not leaving me out to fend for myself.

It would be nice to have that guy but when I weigh the pros and cons in godliness, he doesn't look so desirable after all. The heart is so deceptive, I want my fill of mud pies instead of the waiting for the wedding cake that God's making. I just see how completely helpless, hopeless and destructive I would be if I were left to my own devises.

I count the sweet blessings of God's discipline because the Spirit will not make me find any comfort in these schemes of mine. Not even an ounce of satisfaction He allows me to have, pretty soon I get the picture. The hardest part and the challenge that God puts on my heart is instead of seeking my lustful desires and what glory I want for myself. Repenting of this sin first and foremost, God begins to change my heart and eyes to pray for the unrepentant crush. Prayer that God would be merciful to save and change His life. Surrendering this desire over to God and leave it at His feet and move on in the pursuit of holiness. That is true freedom from the power of sin; trusting in and walking in the saving grace of Christ, that is true freedom indeed.